The Oscars are tonight, and there was a time when that would have meant something to me. Not that I ever cared about the awards themselves--anybody remember 1979, when Kramer Vs. Kramer won over Apocalypse Now and All That Jazz, and Being There wasn't even nominated, but somehow Norma Rae was?--but the show itself was a guaranteed cheese-tastic spectacle, big stars being forced to do things that obviously made them uncomfortable, stunningly stupid jokes, and of course, hideous production numbers.
That started to die off sometime in the eighties, and despite the fond memories created by the Alan Carr-produced debacle which featured Rob Lowe crooning "Proud Mary" alongside Snow White, it's never going to come back.
For one thing, are there such things as Movie Stars anymore? When presenters include the likes of Drew Barrymore and Jack Black, you wonder why these kids are so dressed up. Where are the real movie stars? Once in awhile they'll trot out the likes of Sean Connery to remind you what a real larger-than-life presence looks like, but then it's back to Leo DiCaprio and Kate Hudson, and the sneaking suspicion that we're watching high school kids.
(I realize that all of these actors are the same age as Errol Flynn or Bette Davis in their prime, but they don't look it--there's no aura about them, nothing that sets them apart from mere mortals--they may be celebrities, they may even be talented, but they're not Movie Stars.)
Without that, the glitz & glamour aspect of the show is gone. There was a time--not so long ago--when you didn't see movie stars on TV. You watched the Oscars for a glimpse of Sophia Loren or Audrey Hepburn, Burt Lancaster or Paul Newman. Even into the late seventies, when it seemed like Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro and Jack Nicholson were nominated every year, it was still unusual to see these guys on TV, in a semi-casual setting.
Now, of course, every major actor from every movie made is on some channel or other every five minutes, whoring themselves as aggressively as Pat Robertson pimps for The Almighty. And the clips from the nominated films that you see on the actual awards show are the same clips you've seen a million times before. You don't even need to have seen Dreamgirls to be sick of Jennifer Hudson's big solo.
The main thing missing from the Oscar ceremony these days is even a nominal sense of entertainment. The forced, unfunny repartee between presenters is still there, but the jaw-dropping production numbers aren't. And that was half the fun of the show, wondering just how bad a dance number built around a James Bond theme song would be. (Inevitably, worse than expected.) We don't even get flashy opening numbers anymore--for the last several years, the intro has been built around clips from old movies. How lazy is that? Amateurs post more invigorating clip jobs on YouTube every day, but this is the work of professionals, this is--unfortunately--how the movie business sees itself: Creatively exhausted.
I've watched the show pretty faithfully for most of my life, and I couldn't name a single entertaining moment from the last five years. Well, okay, last year, when Robert Altman won an honorary award and made a genuinely moving speech about mortality. But that was Altman, and as soon as he left the stage, it was back to crap--even with Jon Stewart hosting, the show was dull as could be.
So this year, I won't be watching. I barely even know what's nominated, and what's more, I don't care. Does anyone?
