The other night I dreamed I stood in a buffet line at some small town community center. I accompanied Mom, and it was somehow understood that when we got through the line and sat down, we had important but unspecified matters to discuss. The line was slow, and food kept piling up on my plate. Mashed potatoes and dressing, a high pile of tuna casserole, a grilled cheese sandwich, comfort food staples of my childhood. I wondered what Mom and I would talk about, but I was also distracted by the dessert table, which featured brownies and chocolate chip cookies and all manner of cakes--
--Then, suddenly, I woke up. And, in those few moments of altered perception experienced between the dream state and the real world, I did not find myself wondering what Mom and I needed to discuss. All I could think was, I didn't get to eat.
Which means...well, it could mean any number of things, but for now I'm going to use it as a metaphor for this site. It started out as a way to grieve Mom's loss, but it quickly turned into whatever the hell it is now, a forum for me to rage or observe or purge whatever feelings I had at the moment. For awhile there, I needed this space, the compulsion to write every day was overpowering. And invigorating.
Lately, though, that urge to fill space is no longer there. My life has undergone some major changes, and I find that I am--for lack of a better word--content. There are still any number of free-floating anxieties, but they no longer overwhelm. As I look back at so much of what has been written here over the past four and a half years, it seemed to reflect my quest to find a place in the world, to somehow belong somewhere.
And I think I've accomplished that, more or less. So what is there to write about? Lots of things, of course--but specifically, what to write about here? Is this site even necessary anymore? I honestly don't know. I still love writing, on those increasingly rare occasions when my ability and my interest combine to produce good work. I enjoy it, but no longer feel the need to do it.
So--again--what does this mean? I'm not shutting this down, I'm not signing off. I'm honestly trying to figure out what this space needs to be, how it can keep me interested, what it will become. I would like to post more frequently, but I would need to find a reason to do that, and so far, I'm too busy doing other things. But soon enough, I'll be back here doing whatever the hell I do.
Say, what DO I do around here, anyway?