Is it the weather, or the job, or something else altogether that has me down? Not major, suicidal, nohopewhatstheuse depression, just vaguely disconnected.
Certainly the weather is contributing, non-stop snow and ice and cold, with the sun peering out for only minutes at a time, taunting and teasing, then vanishing for another week or so. It's tough to navigate the slick streets, and every day brings a fresh batch of hell, making every drive to and from my job a white-knuckle nightmare, and sapping the desire to go out after I get home from work.
Not that I have any place to go if I wanted to. It's weird reading the sappy, happy posts I put up a year ago, all full of the promise of the new life I was about to embark on with Tabbatha, overcome with the joy she was bringing me. Strange how few qualms I had, no sense of hardships to come. Though she thought I tended to be too negative, what surprises me is how optimistic I was, how being with her just felt right.
After it ended, I didn't feel sad so much as empty. And I'm not sure what that means. Sorrow or depression or would seem to be the logical reaction, based on my history, but maybe after the massive hit my emotional wiring took after my mom's death, my capacity for sadness was drained. Though I'd rather, as the sage Warren Zevon put it, feel bad than feel nothing at all, maybe the lack of feeling was the only way I had to deal with it.
But it's Christmas time, and the lights and the music only serve to remind me I'm still numb.
