Thursday, May 27, 2010


In case you haven't seen it--and even though it only surfaced yesterday, it has already inspired several online parodies--here's Heidi Montag's, uh, audition for Transformers 3.

Many aspects of this are more sad than funny--for instance, Montag's personal trainer or whatever the hell he is introduces it as a tryout for Transporter 3, suggesting even he can't bother giving a shit, or the fact that somebody would actively seek out a role in a terrible giant robot movie--but the saddest by far is this: We know who Heidi Montag is.

Why?  Why have we heard of her?  She's an incredibly shallow rich girl, with a prematurely Botoxed face and enormous fake tits, and not a trace of personality.  Thanks to her turn on the (thankfully canceled) MTV pseudo-reality series The Hills she briefly reached some level of Us magazine-level celebrity, which gave her a sense of entitlement even beyond that of the usual batch of moneyed SoCal blondes, who are at least awful people only in their own circles.

Though no sane human being would ever willingly sit through an installment of The Hills, even ironically, its very existence fueled Montag's delusions, made her believe that she somehow, like, matters.  The best thing that could happen to her, to all of us, would be a return to obscurity.  Instead, she'll likely get another reality show, probably on E, the worst network ever focus-tested.

The fallout from this thing will likely involve Montag revealing that this tape was intended as a gag, nothing more.  No one will believe her, but everyone will laugh, and she'll laugh, too, never fully realizing that the joke is on her, and always will be.