Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you the absolute worst thing you will ever see? Shield the eyes of the young ones, and the fainthearted beware! Behold: Wild Hogs!
Okay, I haven't actually seen it, but come one--like I have to? Aside from the smirking homophobia and endless genitalia gags, the trailer for this loser brutally exposes the complete lack of chemistry among its stars. If this is the best they can come up with to try selling this thing--John Travolta looks bored, Tim Allen and Martin Lawrence appear desperate for a hit, while poor William H. Macy gives the appearance of a solid pro doing his best under desperate circumstances--you have to wonder how much worse it could get.
Apparently, lots. The trailer merely shows our four hapless stars as middle-aged schlubs trying to recapture their youth by riding Harleys and trying to act macho. I didn't realize there was more to the plot, which would involve the the heroes saving a small town terrorized by real bikers. Oh, my sides!
Seriously, could a movie sound worse than this? Lazy, by-the-numbers plotting, actors who have seen better days, a classic rock soundtrack--this is actually my definition of hell. It'll probably make a fortune.
If it does, maybe it will actually inspire its stars to seek out better things. Travolta has officially squandered all the good will he rode after his Pulp Fiction triumph, Lawrence needs to stick to stand-up, and Macy, for God's sake, get P.T. Anderson or David Mamet on the phone and do some real work again.
The real lost cause here is Allen. His comedic persona has never done much for me, and his mostly family-friendly filmography is painful to contemplate...but there was his terrific performance in the desperately-underappreciated 1999 comedy Galaxy Quest, which seemed likely to lead to better things. He followed it up with Big Trouble, a would-be comic caper that didn't quite come off, but was at least a nice try, and showed that Allen could blend in smoothly with an amazing cast, including Stanley Tucci, Dennis Farina, Janeane Garofalo and Andy Richter. But when that tanked, it was right back to The Shaggy Dog.
And Wild Hogs, of course. This is a virtual admission by its cast and director (Walt Becker, the auteur responsible for Van Wilder) that they just don't care--about the audience, about their craft, about anything. This is what creative bankruptcy looks like when projected on half a dozen screens at your local multiplex, and it isn't pretty.
