One year ago today, I posted a piece commemorating the ten-year anniversary of the first date with my ex-wife, Sue Ellen. Tabbatha read that piece, deeply resented it, and let me know in no uncertain terms that she felt it offered proof I still had a thing for Sue Ellen, and could never fully commit to a new relationship.
That was, I suppose, the beginning of the end of my time with Tabbatha. We still had good times ahead, hell, we still talked of marriage, but the seeds had been planted, the serpent had entered the garden, the writing was on the wall...choose your own cliched term.
I'm not unsympathetic to Tabbatha's point of view. When I try reading that piece from her perspective, I understand why she'd be pissed. But the thing is, I use this forum to express whatever it is I'm thinking or feeling. Sometimes that expression will be inarticulate, an attempt to wrestle with feelings I myself can't fully comprehend. Yeah, I suppose I could do that in a more private place, but dammit, I write. I don't want to think twice about what I put down, or even think twice about posting it. That way leads to self-censorship, to timidity, fear of making known thoughts that might be dangerous. I'd rather say this is how I feel.
Having said that...Jesus, what was I thinking? I wrote there would be no point in saying my relationship with Tabbatha was better or deeper than what I had with Sue Ellen. In an apples and oranges sense, I suppose that's true, but what I had, or potentially had, with Tabbatha was certainly much different and potentially much richer. With Sue, there were two of us. With Tabbatha, there were two of us...plus a kid. A family. Something I never thought I wanted, which turned out to be the very thing I needed.
I try to be optimistic, but for now, the only anniversaries to celebrate are negatives.
