Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I scheduled a colonoscopy for the first of December. I'm nervous.

The concern isn't whether they find something fatal. I don't exactly welcome death, but I'm not really afraid of it. No, my real fear is, they find something treatable. But the treatment's expensive. And though I have insurance, it likely won't cover everything, especially if any extensive time away from work is needed.

Silly, in a way, to worry about such things. After all, I haven't had the procedure yet. Nothing has been found, nothing can be known until it happens. No cause for concern.

Oh, except, the cost for insurance is expected to go up 5% next year. Assuming I receive the expected crummy 2 or 3% raise, I'll essentially receive a salary cut. Unless I opt for a lower-priced insurance program, which would reduce my level of coverage just when I possibly need it the most.

Plus, let's see, the landlord raised my rent, car insurance is due, I owe my sister for about a hundred missed car payments. And the economy, of course, is not exactly robust, so it's a lousy time to ponder one's financial future.

Especially when those finances may literally be tied up in matters of life and death. I mean, if they discover something...What then? What if I literally can't afford treatment? Do I wait for my body to fail? Do I endure the pain because what else can I do? Do I slit my wrists before it all becomes unbearable? Or do I go ahead with the treatment knowing there's no way in hell I can pay for it, and deal with the consequences later? And what would those consequences be?

Again, silly to worry about this. I haven't even had the procedure yet, and it'll be two months until I do. There's no reason to assume bad news, no reason to expect the worst. Hey, it's not like my mom and dad both had colon cancer.